Monday, October 07, 2024

Burn out

 I have the feeling of burnout today. It was probably due to the fact that the cleaning lady needed money in the morning and I ended up walking to the atm and back, which is a good 1800 m from my house (Through the way I could do nothing but think of how UPI is a single point of failure and if UPI were to fail, the reduced number of ATMs being serviced by banks means our system is not as resilient as it used to be..?? But I digress.. ) 

Anyway, I was feeling burnt out right now, primarily because I did not achieve as much as I should have today. I was thinking why that was the case. Why did I spend my time fixing my neovim configuration instead of shipping a build? As I thought through, I realised that the primary reason for this is that I am alone and at a stage where I don' have any users so there is zero accountability to ship stuff. However, that is not the case as just yesterday I was pretty pumped up about my prospects. I was equally alone yesterday than I was today. But today, I was not able to sit down even. 


After much thinking, I just concluded that I am burnt out by all the various factors in my life, not just work wise but also on the personal front. What is the effect that having a supporting partner would have had on my mood. I guess my batteries are not recharging properly. More to write but feeling sleepy... 

Wednesday, September 18, 2024

I have become too logical.

One of the ways in which I have changed is I have become too logical. Hmm.. Is logical the right word? Perhaps no. What I want to say is that I have become a person devoid of emotions? Or perhaps what I really want to say is that in trying to understand the events that happened in my life, I became a person who could look beyond the emotions and observe the events as they happened. Observe the emotions as they happened. I guess what I wanted to say was that I have become an observer. 

That in itself is not a bad thing. But sometimes when you are an observer you become a person of inaction as well. 

I dont know what I am blabbering. I should sleep. 



Tuesday, July 16, 2024

It's been a while...

 A thing that I noticed about myself recently is that I have become a consumer of content, but I hardly spend any time producing content. This blog is of course, not "content", but it used to be an outlet for my thoughts. 


I was thinking the other day how I have become a very different person from who I used to be. In some ways good, in some ways bad. Some of it is just aging. Some of it is just circumstances. But some of it is just bad habit and lazyness. I had an urge to rediscover some of the habits that I used to have and one such habit was blogging. Writing down my thoughts, on anything. Just go through the motion of writing. 

And given that I have learnt touch typing, I thought let's give this a shot. Lets write something everyday. 

Thursday, March 05, 2015

Silver linings playbook

To him, she is the sun
making his day bright and warm.
So much laughter, so much fun
With her around, happiness seemed to be the norm.

But the weather changed,
and along came some dark clouds.
Hiding the sunshine behind them
scaring him with the lightning and thunder
and rain that was heavy and cold.

Stop looking for the sun,
these clouds are dark.
Save yourself from this heavy rain,
Why do you search for the sun in this weather,
when you can give up and save yourself the pain.

Stubborn, crazy- whatever you call him
he wants to see the sun again shining,
And keep looking he will for the sun,
for, though these clouds are dark, they do have a silver lining.

[Random thoughts after watching SLP]

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Remembering the rains!

 

Rains are amazing. They bring respite from the summer heat. The smell of rainwater falling on burning earth is something else. If its a thunderstorm, I sit and count the seconds between a lighting flash and the sound of thunder, thus determining how far the lightning strike was(its something I picked from a Walt Disney Movie – In Search of the Castaways, anyone seen it?)  Sometimes there is a power cut and you are left with nothing to do but listen to splashing drops of rain and the thunder of the lightning. Its a raw form of communication with Mother Nature - where for a brief moment you forget about the post you just liked on facebook, the tea you put on the kettle, the cell-phone you cant find in the darkness – its just you marveling at the lightning across the sky. You feel you rediscovered a part of yourself – something ancient, something raw – even though moments later the feelings gone.

Rains also bring memories of places, of people, of times gone by. Deepanjan Dey has written what I consider a masterpiece titled “Random Rainy Days”. It expresses what many of us feel on Random Rainy Days.

Today was one such Random Rainy Day! After dinner I felt like having a chilled coke so I walked to the nearby store. There was a slight drizzle but the normally crowded street was empty. Deja Vu! I was reminded of the rainy days of Manipal.

It used to rain non stop – remember! Sometimes I would decide to go to Timmy’s for a Keshto and a chai (no not a sutta – i do not smoke). It was difficult to find people who would accompany me in the rains and thus sometimes I went alone. Of course, on the way people would hand over 10 bucks to me to get some sutta. Sometimes they would also hand over an umbrella, not because they cared that much that I would get drenched, but because it was one of those rare moments when they had somebody’s umbrella with them. Whose? Who cares – just get the ciggs will ya?

I would climb the short wall behind 9th block and jump to the other side, carefully making my way to Timmy’s, on the lookout for snakes who perhaps might decide it was lovely weather for an afternoon crawl! Ever since I saw a cobra crawling on the road next to Timmy’s, I was fairly certain I was going to die bitten by a cobra which was hiding below the bench inside Timmy’s shack. Whenever I entered Timmy’s shack, I tried to see whether there were any snakes around. But it was pitch dark and I reconciled myself by thinking that any snakes in the shack would have crawled away the moment Timmy anna would appear from behind the shack shouting “Kaun hai?”. You cannot imagine how terrified I am of snakes! Yet I used to go to Timmy’s every day, overcoming my fears to savor half fries, keshtos, chai and the sight of the valley. That sight was something else when it rained.

Sometimes I would start playing songs like “Raindrops keep falling on my head..” on my comp and others would join in for some good music and good bakar.

During the rains, you also got to better know random people studying with you. Waiting for the rains to get over, you would start reading the notices on the notice boards, even though you had read all of them a couple of hours ago on the way back from lunch. You would find a notice about the fine you had to pay for some random thing or the available rooms in 10th block for your batch and then you would start cursing the college authorities with some random dude you hardly spoke to. Of course, some years later that random dude became a very good friend as both of you were placed in the same company.

I saw this video on facebook today in Mayur Kislaya’s news feed. Its a recent one of the rains in Manipal. Then I went out and was reminded of Manipal and all of you as I soaked some of the drizzle.

Remembering all the MITians and Manipal on this random rainy day! We Rock!




Friday, November 27, 2009

Crying, Life and Loneliness

I think one of God’s gift to human beings is the ability of humans to cry. It gives us the ability to overcome loss, mistakes, failure. Life seems worthless at times and you want to end it. There is so much pain that you cant bear it. Things are the way they are and there is not much you can do to change them. However much you want.

The depression hits a new low when you are unable to move on, because there is nothing to move onto. Sitting alone you get negative thoughts. Even when you are surrounded by people you can be the loneliest person in the room. You wish there was someone who you could talk to, someone who would guide you through the turmoil and darkness. But you realize there is no-one and then you realize there is no one because of the way you are. You have repelled people away from you, staying quiet and lonely all along. And now when you need someone to talk to there are none.

At such instances, your life seems meaningless. This is bad as you feel like ending it. After all something which has no meaning should not exist. And then you cry! And all the body releases hormones which make you feel positive, which give you hope. You feel light and you move on.

Crying is a survival technique as powerful as the anti-bodies in our blood. Too much depression can lead to suicide and the body fights this by crying. So if you are feeling depressed and lonely just cry. And move on! 




Monday, December 22, 2008

Some random song...

Its almost 13 very dusty kilometers from my office back to home. Nowadays I have started listening to my i-pod on the way back. However, there have been times, when with nothing to do, I have tried to come up with a few songs. I find that my mind really works well there is a lot inside for it to say. 

Once I was returning home tired and was flabber-gasted by the dust that was in the air that day. Irritated I came up with the following song. Can't sing it to you, so leave the tune to your imagination.

All around, everywhere.
there's dust in the air.
dust in my eyes, dust in my mouth
dust everywhere, i go north or south.

where's the place
where no dust is found
is it outer space
is it under ground
dust in my eyes, dust in my mouth
dust everywhere, i go north or south.

others in posts to follow...